"But I love him" and "You just don't understand"
Today, as I un-friended someone dear to me on Facebook, these prophetic words rang in my ear. I deleted this person's friendship on the social network because I just could no longer watch her defend a person who absolutely does not deserve defending, her boyfriend.
Have I ever said those words? Yes, to my mother when I was young and inexperienced. Have I heard those words spoken to me? Yes, from my own immediate family members. Why is it we didn't listen, why is it you didn't listen and why our daughters, sisters and friends never listen? Because if a woman has low self-esteem, she will only get in life what she feels she deserves. Harsh words? Maybe, but true. If we truly take a deep look at ourselves, we have to admit this is fact. Do we like to admit it? Hell no! Some women reading this blog will be in a relationship that's bad for her and will still refuse to admit it. That's just a fact of life.
"She came from such a good family, I just don't get why."
Heard those words before? Yes most of us have. Do women have to come from majorly dysfunctional families to have low self-esteem? Nope. Parents all wish they were the only influence on their kids. Wouldn't that be wonderful? Unfortunately there are a whole host of influences working on our kids. Kids who bully others into thinking they are strange, ugly or just not normal. An unthinking adult's stinging words that a kid will take to heart, an adult like a teacher, a coach or a close relative. Kids, especially growing kids, are impressionable. Teens look at pictures of the perfect, airbrushed model in the media, they may compare themselves to that unrealistic picture and decide they just cannot live up to it. Hell, who can?
Women grow older but not always wiser. Friends joke about someone who is a 'loser magnet' and wonder why she never picks a winner. The winners get over looked, passed up or seen as weak, unmanly or some other reason. The 'loser magnet' just keeps seeking out the guy who treats her as dirt. Why? She seeks out the guy who treats her that way because she feels she does not deserve any better. What happens is: All the time she spends trying to change some guy, would have been better spent changing herself. The person in the mirror is the only person we can completely control. Too many women, from good families or not, have, for some reason, convinced themselves they are not worthy of being treated well.
Let's address that 'came from a good family' thing for a moment. Social Workers love to say: "Did you come from a normal family? You poor thing." Why do they say that? Because there is no such animal on planet Earth as a 'normal family." Some families work on good relationships, but no family is perfect and no family is exactly like the next one. What a myth! So the 'good family' is not going to save any of us from making bad choices in life.
As parents we can try to be aware of outside influences on our daughters. We can try to buffer the hurtful words from those who may make our daughters feel bad about themselves. But, still, there is no guarantee that you will be able to stem the tide. When women internalize what they think they deserve, it's a battle to convince them of anything else. What happens then? Well, women who internalize it will be susceptible to the men I like to call 'predators' those guys who for some reason, feel women are to be used, abused and treated as less than human, or women they feel are not on the same level playing field as they are. Shame on those men, but we all know them. Those guys seek out and latch on to women who feel badly about themselves and those scoundrel men take full advantage of the opportunity.
Many of those guys don't feel good about themselves either, so in order to make themselves feel better, they seek out women they can grind into the ground in order to boost their own self-esteem. Some of those guys are babied by their families. They have been made to think wrong actions are right. They have families who support their nasty ways of treating women as all right, or they blame the women those guys seek out. Shame on them.
Some guys and their families are mentally ill and could not recognize anything beyond their own little mentally ill worlds they have created for themselves. Some are alcoholics and like to use the excuse: "I never know what I do when I'm drinking." That excuse takes the cake. So we all can just drink to oblivion, hurt others and then rely on the bottle as an excuse? Nope, only sick people do that one.
Many women do not understand that only professionals can help the mentally ill, the drug abuser or the alcohol abuser. You cannot change them nor can you cure them. Many women cannot recognize there is even a problem in those areas. Especially when they never dealt with those serious problems before. So those women, with the help of the 'sicko' of course, will start to believe they are the problem, when in fact, it's the other way around.
Do I write this because I'm some expert? No! I too have been around that corner. I too, have tried to help other women understand what is around that corner. But they do not listen, they do not take heed. Will any now, reading this blog? I'm guessing, probably not. Too many will think: Hey I know we have problems, but we are different. Gawd, such faithful words never rang more loudly. I wish, I truly wish, we had all listened and understood good advice from those who have been there, done that.
